RYAN F’N HOWARD

Phillies 9, Nationals 6

Five RBIs. Two home runs, one of them a tremendous, 475-ft. grand slam to the 3rd deck in right field. Two more runs scored when Howard exploited the worst defense in Major League Baseball by hitting a grounder E-6 right into that terribly irritating shift.

Cole Hamels pitched poorly, but the bullpen continues to wipe the starting rotation’s bottom, and Brad Lidge is even putting on the baby powder these last couple appearances, looking confident, and rightfully so, with his ability and that of some splendid defense – like that 6-4-3 in the top of the 9th. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one quite like it.

Got an 0fer from Raul, but don’t let that deter you from voting for him.

Okay, lookit here. You want raw details, check out the box score. For a more prosaic interpretation of the facts, please visit Dash Treyhorn’s recap of the tonight’s game.

Now let me get on to my specialty: the ol’ observe-and-criticize.

Dude in the sombrero. With the t-shirt that had the Z-boys’ names written on the back in the colors of Mexico’s flag. Ruiz is from Panama. Feliz is Dominican. And RAUUUL is United Statesian, born-and-raised. None of these countries are Mexico. Now mind you, I find stereotypes and ethnic humor hilarious. I point out your geographical ignorance not because I’m offended, but because you are retarded.

And to the children sitting directly behind me: J.P., you little rat, in Section 315, Row 5, Seat 21. You and your friend should take the following advice to heart: do not spit sunflower seed husks on people. You’re a dick, and I’m putting you on notice. See you at the next game, dingus.

Last but certainly not least, my post-game driving was once again on-point, as I continue to completely dominate everyone from the parking lot to the Walt Whitman Bridge. I want you all to take the time to reflect on how awesome I am.

TUG HAINES (@mistertug)

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6 Comments

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6 responses to “RYAN F’N HOWARD

  1. Congratulations on your driving expertise. As a fellow New Jersian, I’m sure you can attest to this fact:

    PENNSYLVANIANS CAN’T DRIVE FOR DICK!

    And to a lesser extent, Conneticutians.

    • I’ve made it to the bridge from the lot in 8 minutes flat on more than one occasion. Of course, the secret is to not obey traffic laws.

  2. Tory Haines

    In getting out of baseball parking lots, Tug has driven farther then most men have even dreamed!

  3. Here Come Da Judge

    skills

  4. I’m hungover as f. Send me a crane kick picture dude, make my life easier today.

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