DOUCHE OF THE DAY

DOUCHES OF THE DAY: GREGOR BLANCO AND MARTIN PRADO

Thanks for saving 75% of your hits and 85% of your RBIs for the entire season for this game against the Phillies you douche bags.

-Chris (@LONG_DRIVE)

Thanks to reader Lynniemac for the idea.

DOUCHE OF THE DAY

DOUCHE OF THE DAY: MR. MET

Mr. Met is hands down the WORST baseball mascot EVER. The Braves’ mascot does run a close second but Mr. Douche here is definitely the winner. I would love to sit in on the meeting they had trying to come up with the Mets’ mascot…

DoucheBag 1: OK guys we need a mascot…

Douchebag 2: Hmm what is everyone else using?

Douchebag 1: Well, most have come up with some kind of animal or something like that, relating to their team name.

Douchebag 2: OK well, we are a baseball team?

Douchebag 3: Yea, baseball! How about a skinny douche with a big fucking baseball head?!

Douchebag 1: That is a great idea! OK everyone take lunch.

W…T…F. DOUCHE!

-Chris (@LONG_DRIVE)

J.A. HAPPMAN

Complete game shut out. 9 IP, 5 H, 0 R, 0 ER, 0 BB, 4 SO,  25 Broken Canadian Hearts, 1 Philadelphia city given hope. Happman.

-Chris (@LONG_DRIVE)

GIVEN THE CHOICE

I’d rather nap on this woman’s stomach than watch another Phillies interleague game. That is all.

-Chris (@LONG_DRIVE)

DOUCHE OF THE DAY

DOUCHE OF THE DAY: "THE COWBELL KID"

OK this dickface requires more than the normal one liner calling someone a douche. Back in 2008 when the Phillies destroyed the Rays to win the World Series this complete douche was spouting shit out of his mouth over youtube. This guy is seriously the most useless human being on the planet. He talks about how he has come to Philly and “no one said shit” to him. Well I 100% guaranfuckingtee if I ever see this fucking douche at CBP I will rip his wig off, shove his glasses down his throat, and enjoy the jail sentence. Fuck you, you complete waste of life. DOUCHE.

Thank you to Macho Row for rekindling my hatred for this idiot. And please people, pass this post on to this clown.

-Chris (@LONG_DRIVE)

SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING

If I’m going to go out there and address [mental errors] there’s a lot of other crap I should be addressing, too.

Charlie Manuel (via Todd Zolecki)

IT LOOKS GOOD ON YA’

There are some obvious targets that the Phils will be going after to improve their pitching at the trade deadline. I decided to narrow it down to the ones the Phils have known interest in. Ever wonder what some of these guys might look like in a Phils uniform? Well MLB 09: The Show is the best looking baseball game on the market year in and year out so I am using it to show you how these fellas would look in a Fightin Phils uniform.

ROY HALLADAY

My favorite among the bunch so obviously I put him first. He probably won’t be available come the deadline since the Jays are still in the race. In 2009 he has a 10-1 record with a 2.53 ERA, sign me up…

CLIFF LEE

You can chalk Lee up into the “probably not available” category as well. The Phils have inquired on him and know that it will take A LOT to get him. The Indians probably won’t compete for the AL Central or AL Wild Card but he has a pretty cheap contract so it would take a lot for the Indians to part with him.

ROY OSWALT

I would love to say that he would be readily available but the Astros, headed by dickface Ed Wade, never think they are out of a pennant race. Also the Astros’ owner Drayton McLane has been outspoken on the fact that he does not want Oswalt dealt. Morons.

ERIK BEDARD

Bedard is most likely available but is also spending a slight holiday on the DL. I have heard that Bedard is a “clubhouse cancer” and some might argue we don’t need another lefty but I think Bedard would be a great addition.

BRAD PENNY

Don’t want him. Especially if the price is Donald. Boston got him off the scrap heap and he should be dealt for a low level spec. Fuck him, I hope the Phils go nowhere near him. He does date Eliza Dushku though. So touche Brad, touche…

JASON MARQUIS

Another person I wouldn’t touch with a 10 foot pole. He may be “impressing” this year with the Rockies but I don’t buy it and I think the Phils could find better internal options than Marquis. Just for fun here is what it would look like when Charlie takes the ball from him early.

JOHN LACKEY

This selection is for Tug. He loves Lackey and is very outspoken about the troglodyte joining the Phils. I definitely would not complain if he joined the Phils but I just don’t see it happening. I don’t think the Angels will reach an agreement with him but I also don’t see them trading him.

So there you have it. Who looks best in Phils digs?

-Chris (@LONG_DRIVE)